My rejection letter from DialogueDirect came through this morning. My initial reactions were utter hopelessness and sheer anger at the ungratefulness (”surely a fundraising company welcomes all the help it can get…?”). But DialogueDirect is not a charity in itself. It’s a paying employer, and while they’re obviously committed to raising money for various charities, they need to earn a profit or at least break even to survive. So if the professionals think that I’m not able to do that, I can only really support their decision. Taking up the job only to lose money for the charity would obviously contradict my desire to get involved in the first place.

This is the first time I’ve had such a rejection. I’m going to have to get used to rejection if I’m to submit my stories to potential literary agents. The difference, of course, is that an agent showing a lack of interest in my story is exactly that, while an employer showing no interest in me is exactly that. It feels like a slight on my character, my commitment or my reliability.

The irony is that, having been through a brief (ten minutes?) period of dreadful despondence (remember that this has killed, temporarily at least, my chances not just of earning a full-time living for a worthy cause, but of gaining my independence and probably of seeing Katie before January), I calmed down and thought, well: we try again. I’m the same when I have to say goodbye to Katie: it’s unbearable as it happens, but as soon as I start walking away, I can cope. The countdown immediately begins to the next time; despair ends and hope takes it place. This, I suppose, is the upside of my best-case-scenario fantasising. This is particularly ironic because, above everything else, the quality that the DialogueDirect interviewers were looking for was an ability to deal well with rejection.

What’s next? I’m not sure. I keep looking. I submit my stories. Mom has suggested that I could use the money saved up for me to go to university (a highly-unlikely event) to allow me to live while I take up a voluntary internship for Oxfam, which could lead to a professional job. For now, I guess, it’s back to the grind. From here, at least, things can only get better.

*

PS. DialogueDirect work in the UK and the US and they seem like a really wonderful company, so if you have any interest in applying for a job: go for it.