I hate conflict. Far more than that, I don’t like upsetting other people. I suppose most people feel this way. But I’ll let it go too far. I’ll lie to people that they haven’t upset me to save them embarrassment and guilt. Perhaps you’d call it cowardice. I honestly don’t know whether I’m being generous or timorous, but I wish it wasn’t me. It is one of the things I most dislike about myself.
So, to the cause of this introspection. You may remember him from a previous moan: my housemate Lew. Today I simply wanted to ask him, “at what point in your upbringing did somebody imply to you that it’s acceptable to be rude and insulting and constantly critical of other people?”
But of course I didn’t.
I did prevent myself from smiling amicably at any of the numerous jibes he made about me tonight. You’ll be surprised that I find this difficult to do - not because he’s funny when he tells me how shit my cooking is, or criticises every element of my lifestyle, or mocks my voice, my tastes, my friends, everything about me - but because my instinctive reaction to somebody trying to be funny - regardless of whether they succeed - is to smile. It’s just polite; it’s just nice. He picked up on this, because - and I think this is generally the case with others too, only I’ve let him go further than he probably dares with other people - he’s so very used to getting away with being rude and cruel and lofty. And he asked, “have I said something to offend you tonight?”
I don’t know if I was about to answer “yes”. Regardless, he made an addendum that seemed to prompt my shyness, or my cowardice, or my niceness, or whatever infuriating mental condition it is that keeps me from speaking out to people who truly need to be spoken out to, to take control. He said, “Have I said something to offend you tonight - more than usual?”
Honestly, to that I could only answer, “no”.
No more than usual.
Being averse to upsetting people is nice. Being averse to upsetting people who make a point of upsetting you is just suicidal.
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